19 March 2009

I've been struggling with a lot of little things and a few big things. I've been wrestling a lot with God these past couple of weeks. I've been thinking about my future. I've been thinking about where I go after college. I've been thinking about the goals that I have for myself and the jobs that I would like to pursue. I've been thinking about how inline with God they are. They are things that I want to do and it seems a little selfish to not include God's desires and wants for my life. I've been thinking about life and how I am going to live my life in a way that pleases God and attracts men to Christ. I've been really struggling with my spiritual personality. Who am I in God's greater plan? Who am I as I try to live life according to God's will? I am writing this in the midst of finals and I realize that I should be studying, but I also realize that if I don't write this it will be on mind for and I won't be able to study. I've been coming to terms with the end of my collegiate career and as I look back I feel it would have been better if I lived it all for God. I have a quarter and a summer session left and I need God's help. I have been struggling with the many problems that arise. Problems that come because of my inability to realize that God is in control. I don't know what to do. I wish I did, but I don't and I'm having a hard time coming to grips with letting go. I wish that my life's fragrance was that of Christ's, but its not. I hate that. I hate that I repeatedly refuse to be Christ-like. I hate that I don't practice what I preach. I hate that I spit on Jesus every time I do. I hate that as I read the Bible I am unwilling to adhere with everything that it has to say even though I say I know that it is good. Good does not matter to me. Truth is truth, but I live a lie.
As I stand at a crossroads hold onto me. I don't know where to go, but I know that You're guiding my every step. I know that You are and You have always been and You will always continue to be.

Love is as God is.